Beginning in childhood, as so many things do, I learned the key to keeping people around me comfortable was to forever and always be a “people pleaser”. While I had a backbone, I didn’t exercise the muscles around it that disagreed, confronted, and spoke up when my time and value wasn’t being recognized or respected.
Some things have changed since then, but setting boundaries in personal and professional settings remains immensely difficult for many individuals.
The barriers we face when setting boundaries can be enough to keep us from doing so. The fear of rejection, fear of confrontation, or simply not knowing how are all common reasons we fail to establish such expectations.
So, what are you to do?
Before you get to setting boundaries, you need to dive deep into not only what it is that you want, but why such enforcements are important to you. Pay attention to what ignites your energy and what depletes it.
Establish your top priorities
The first step in enforcing boundaries is to decide what is at the top of your priority list. Maybe this looks like three-day weekends to allow for more time present with your family. Perhaps it’s an agreement that emails and phone calls after 5 p.m. do not merit a response until the next business day. The more you can clearly define what it is you cannot live without, the better you will be creating a boundary around these needs.
Communication is key
No matter how ready you may be to enforce boundaries in your relationships or professional endeavors, you’re unlikely to get far if you’re not willing to have an open conversation about drawing the line. As someone who loathes confrontation, this is and always will be a challenge for me, but the flooding feelings of self-respect that occur as a result of such conversations make even the painful ones worth it.
Communicating with your partner or boss doesn’t have to be a theatrical performance either. The object of such conversations isn’t to be critical or find fault in another person or organization. It’s about honoring what makes you feel comfortable and at your best. The more open you can be with articulating your needs, the more likely those around you will be to respect your requests.
“No” is a full sentence
We’ve all heard this before when it comes to settings boundaries of any kind. And yet it remains true. You’re not obligated to justify your choices and should never be made to feel guilty for knowing your worth and protecting it. That being said, there’s bound to be an adjustment period when interacting with new clients, coworkers, or friends. Be patient with yourself and those around and know that in some team settings, minor compromises may need to be made.
Creating and enforcing boundaries takes time and a great deal of self-awareness. You may find yourself in situations (both personal and professional) that simply will not align with what’s best for you. If your workplace environment is filled with gossip, lack of motivation, and high-turnover, chances are no amount of boundaries are going to help resolve the issues. Sometimes the best way to honor your self-worth is to walk away from conditions that don’t allow you the space and energy you deserve.
Setting boundaries is a lot like riding a bike. The first couple (dozen) times you may wobble, fall down, and experience discomfort. But the more you practice living life on your own terms, the greater the ride becomes.
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